1. Split dead limb into fragments and shave one fragment into slivers.
2. Bandage left thumb.
3. Chop other fragments into smaller fragments.
4. Bandage left foot.
5. Make structure of slivers (include those embedded in hand.)
6. Light Match
7. Light Match
8. Repeat "a Scout is cheerful" and light match.
9. Apply match to slivers, add wood fragments, and blow gently into base of fire.
10. Apply burn ointment to nose.
11. When fire is burning, collect more wood.
12. Upon discovering that fire has gone out while out searching for more wood, soak wood from can labeled "kerosene."
13. Treat face and arms for second-degree burns.
14. Re-label can to read "gasoline."
15. When fire is burning well, add all remaining firewood.
16. When thunder storm has passed, repeat steps.
Actual Forest Service Complaints
A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call.
Escalators would help on steep uphill sections.
Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness.
Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands.
Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals.
All the mile markers are missing this year.
Found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse.
Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill.
Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests.
Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow in the winter.
Chairlifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them.
The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals.
Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights.
Need more signs to keep area pristine.
A McDonald's would be nice at the trailhead.
Too many rocks in the mountains.
The places where trails do not exist are not well marked.